Similar to my surprise at some people actually being against contraception, it is always fascinating to meet someone who believes the story of Noah’s Ark actually happened. I’d like to talk, as briefly as possible, about the utter stupidity of this story. I know you’ve heard a lot of this before, but there may be a couple things you haven’t heard or thought of, yet 🙂

1. Noah’s age

All I need to do for this is show a direct quote: “Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters were on the earth.” [Genesis 7:6]

2. Incest much?

“So Noah, with his sons, his wife, and his sons’ wives, went into the ark…” [Genesis 7:7] You do realize that these people will populate the entire planet, right?

3. How did they gather the animals?

Nobody has discovered Australia at this point in “history”, so how did they get kangaroos? Did kangaroos live in the Mediterranean in this time? The animals couldn’t have all lived there, at the very least due to the climate not being able to accommodate all of them. Also, you try forcing a lion onto a boat. I dare you. And how did they catch birds!?!?

4. Windows of heaven

“In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, on that day all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.” [Genesis 7:11] I’m sorry, but if you want to read the Bible literally, you need to acknowledge that the sky has “windows” above which there is water, and that’s how rain happens.

5. God loves you

But if you piss him off he’ll drown you, your family, and everyone else on earth. Don’t overlook the fact that God killed everyone but Noah’s family with the flood — an estimated 500 million people according to William Whiston.

6. Food

Taking only two of every kind of animal (or even 7 of every kind as Genesis 7:2-3 seems to suggest — kind of confusing) leaves one wondering… how did they feed the lions? Remember, they were… at sea (?) for 150 days. Pretending that you didn’t need both lions and tigers on the boat (being of the same “kind”) you still need to feed crocodiles, bears, wolves, smaller cats like pumas (can’t breed with lions so are of a different “kind” one would think), etc. What did they feed them? Without refrigeration, how did they keep enough fruit to feed the fruit-eating animals?

7. What about fisherman and traders?

Were there no traders or fisherman out and about when the flood started? I feel as though they would be able to survive just as long as Noah’s family, especially if they were trading food or something. Maybe not, who knows.

8. Why so long, anyway?

How long does it take to drown something? Why did the flood have to be more than a day or so? Why did it have to be more than an hour? I might understand to make sure fisherman don’t live, but traders still might anyway, and can’t God just kill those people outright anyway? (Since he’s willing to act and drown people, after all.)

9. Where did the water go?

‘Nuff said.

10. Vegetation intact somehow

I’d be curious to see whether land plants can survive underwater for 150 days. If not, then it doesn’t matter if Noah, his family, and the animals survived the flood, because they won’t survive the starvation they will experience after it. (No, God did not tell Noah to pack two seeds from every kind of plant so he could replant everything.)

11. Putting the animals back

Again assuming that nobody could bring the animals to places like Australia and the Americas, I find it difficult to understand how the animals got there.

12. Food again

So they let the animals out, and the lions eat one of the two antelopes, and the antelopes go extinct. Woops… I bet that given the “two of each kind” situation we have post-flood, either 1) all herbivores would have gone extinct (being eaten by the carnivores) or 2) all carnivores would go extinct (being unable to catch the herbivores, or being eaten by carnivores). Probably #2.

13. Noah’s age again

“And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years. So all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years; and he died.” [Genesis 9:28-29] Riiiight.

Conclusion

Noah’s Ark is the dumbest story every told. The end.

Can you guys think of any more holes in this fairy tale?

~peace, RR

I welcome comments and suggestions. Comments can go below, suggestions to radiantreason[at]gmail[dot]com 🙂

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